HOME - Young Ones Scripts
The Young Ones - Boring
Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and
Additional material by Alexei Sayle
[Inside of the house. An old man comes out
of the closet by the stairs and relaxes on the couch in the drawing.
The Armed Forces man
is at the table. Three mice are playing cards]
MOUSE #1: I'll see you, Jimmy!
MOUSE #2: Well, I've got the seven of spades!
MOUSE #1: You rat!
MOUSE #2: I'm a mouse!
[Cut to a plate. A stick of butter and a carrot are
skating to music. After a while the music stops, and
Rooster crows, and everybody scatters. Cut to outside Neil's
bedroom. He is on his windowsill
looking out. He stars at the sun. Suddenly, the
sun splits in two.]
NEIL: [sighs] Morning has broken.
[fade to kitchen. Rick is tucking in his shirt. Vyvyan is writing
something. Mike is pulling cornflakes out of the box one by
Neil is just staring off into space]
MIKE: She loves me. She loves me lots. She loves me. She loves me lots.
She loves me.
[Vyvyan stops writing. Rick sits down at the table]
VYVYAN: Well, I finished the new car competition. I'm gonna
win a Ford Tippex any minute. It's quite easy really, all you
gotta do is match up six pictures of
famous noses with six
pictures of famous bogeys! Thought that would shock you! Well,
it's not through because then you have to say in ten words
cornflakes mean to you. So I put, 'Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes,
Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes,
RICK: Pathetic! You'll never win, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN: Why not?
RICK: That's only nine words!
VYVYAN: Oh, yeah. [writes] 'Cornflakes.'
RICK: [plays with his ear] Anyway, you'll still never win because
nothing interesting ever happens to us!
VYVYAN: Stop being so boring, Rick.
RICK: Oh, that's nice, isn't it? That's very nice! Coming from
someone as boring as you!
NEIL: Look, can you guys stop hassling each other? I'm getting
really bored with it, alright?
RICK: Oh, dear me! Poor old Neil's getting bored! The most boring
person in the whole world is finally getting a taste of his own
MIKE: Alright, I think we're overdoing the boredom motif in this
conversation here. It's time to extend our vocabulary.
NEIL: Alright, Mike. All I said was that I was getting bored.
VYVYAN: Yes, we heard what you said and it was very boring!
MIKE: Vyv, I thought we decided...
VYVYAN: Yes, YOU decided, Michael!
RICK: Guys! Guys! Look at us! Squabbling! Bickering, like children.
What's happened to us? We never used to be like this!
VYVYAN: Yes, we did.
MIKE: Yeah, he's right, Rick. We've always been like this.
RICK: Yes, I know. But that's just exactly my point! Nothing ever
changes! Nothing ever happens to us!
RICK: [sighs] Yes.
[fade to Mike, Vyvyan, and Rick playing Monopoly on the drawing
room floor. Mike is moving his piece]
RICK: Ha ha, Mike! Landed on Old Kent Road. That's mine! Rent!
Come on! Pay up, now!
MIKE: Alright, I think the Mike Exchecker can handle a debt of
RICK: Yes! [Snatches money from Mike] Hey, wouldn't it be amazing if
all this money was real?
VYVYAN: That is the single most predictable and boring thing that
anyone could say whilst playing Monopoly!
RICK: Well, what about 'Vyvyan'? I could say, 'Vyvyan', couldn't I?
I think that's boring!
VYVYAN: [take card from game board] 'You have won second prize
in a beauty contest!'
RICK: Ha ha ha! [prepares to roll dice]
VYVYAN: 'Smash Rick over the head with the bank!'
[Vyvyan takes money bank and hit Rick with it]
RICK: It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!
VYVYAN: Mike? [hands Mike the card]
MIKE: [reads] No, he's right, Rick. That's exactly what it says.
RICK: In biro, Mike! In biro over the top of the print!
VYVYAN: But we had to change the rules because Monopoly is
RICK: [reads a card] 'Congratulations! It is your birthday! You may set
fire to Rick's bed!'
RICK: [reads another card] 'Get out of Jail free! You may keep this
card, sell it, or stick it up Rick's bottom!'
VYVYAN, YOU'VE RUINED THE
VYVYAN: I WAS BORED!
MIKE: Yeah, well that's nothing! Neil got so bored he's gone to the
garden to kill himself, and it's his go!
[Fade to outside garden. Neil is digging]
NEIL: [looks at spade] You're a spade! [to camera] I always call him
that. [looks out, pondering]
From Monopoly to the grave, the most
interesting thing that happens to me is sneezing.
I wish I was Magnus
Magnuson! [returns to digging]
MIKE: [from inside the house]Hey, Neil! Sitting around a Monopoly board
may be a great way of spending Christmas, but I don't want to wait that
NEIL: Oh, no. It's alright, Mike, I'm just digging a grave. I don't
think I'm gonna kill myself today, actually. But, uh, it's just in
case, you know?
[sticks his spade in the ground. Cut to underground world. The spade
pokes in from the top.
The world is full of excitement: jugglers, fire
eaters, and the like. At the center is a King and Queen, looking
KING: You know, living in a world where nothing boring ever happens can
be a real pisser.
[Minion, a servant, enters]
MINION: Sire, the men in the time machine has ust returned with the
actual video of the birth of Christ. Would you care to...
KING: Not now, Minion!
MINION: Also, next door, The Rolling Stones are making a new album
while two hippopotamus make love underneath the theater!
QUEEN: [pokes a bug on her chest with a needle] The King is bored
shitless with interesting things, Minion, and so am I. [eats bug]
KING: What I want is to meet someone who is totally and utterly mind
numbingly boring! But I suppose I never will.
[cut back to house. Mike and Rick are at the table, Vyvyan is
on the couch. Neil enters]
NEIL: I suppose it's because I'm so mind numbingly boring that I never
get to meet any interesting people.
RICK: Oh, so you've decided to come in now, have you, Neil? Well, we
finished playing Monopoly now, and you lost!
NEIL: Oh! I'm amazed I lost it as much as I did.
[Knock at the door]
MIKE: There's someone at the door, Rick.
RICK: Someone at the door, Vyvyan.
VYVYAN: Someone at the door, Neil.
NEIL: There's someone at the door, Mike.
MIKE: I know! [knock at the door] There's someone at the door, Rick!
RICK: There's someone at the door, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN: There's someone at the door, Mike!
NEIL: There's someone at the door, Neil?
MIKE: Well, don't look at me. I'm in Paris.
VYVYAN: You haven't left the house all day!
MIKE: Vyvyan, you ever heard of cloning?
VYVYAN: [thinks] No!
MIKE: Oh, that's good! Would you swear to that?
VYVYAN: Certainly, if that's what you want. [runs over and looks
directly at Mike] Big Jobs!
[Vyvyan tries to sit down at the table, but sits on Rick's feet.
Rick screams in pain and yanks his legs away.
down. Knock at the door. Rick groans in frustration]
NEIL: Hey! Hey, guys! Great Idea. Why don't we, right, decide
whose going to answer the door, right?
And then that person can go and
answer it, right? [Vyvyan yawns]
And then, and then find
out who it is and who they want to see, right? [Rick bursts into
And then, like, come back in here and tell whoever it is that
there's somebody who wants to see them, yeah?
MIKE: Neil, do me a favor.
NEIL: So I suppose I have to go and answer it myself, as usual!
[front door comes flying through. Billy Balowski enters with a bike.
He passes Neil, who doesn't even see him]
BILLY: Alright, somebody call a taxi?
[Rick cries some more]
MIKE: Billy Balowski. Yes, and who needs pleasure? Hello, Billy.
[waves to Billy. Billy waves back] How are the trees?
BILLY: Who called a taxi?
MIKE: What do you want, Billy? You got a message from Mr. Balowski?
BILLY: I'm Mr. Balowski!
MIKE: No no no, your bother, Jerzei. You got a message from him?
BILLY: Got a piece of paper. [takes out paper] Whoever called a taxi, they can have the message!
RICK: [stops crying] Alright! Alright, I called a taxi.
BILLY: Okee dokee, Skip! Where do you wanna go?
RICK: I don't want to go anywhere!
BILLY: Then what the bloody Hell did you call a taxi for then? I had to
come all the way from Brazil for this.
You stop me
having me wages, you know how much a taxi driver earns? I can't even
afford to buy new showlaces!
RICK: Well it's a good job you're not a taxi driver then, isn't it?
BILLY: Good job I'm wearing Wellingtons!
VYVYAN: Look! Just give us the note!
BILLY: I'm thirsty!
MIKE: It's in the cupboard. [Billy flaunts the paper at Vyvyan as he
opens the cupboard.He takes out a goldfish bowl and starts drinking]
MIKE: Oh, no. Not the goldfish!
[cut to inside of Billy's stomach. There is a goldfish and
a potato swimming]
GOLDFISH: Ahem, don't worry, goldfish everywhere. I am in fact
a stunt goldfish. In fact, by the time this program comes out,
will be doing the new James Bond film. So, there's no need to
POTATO: Sure, they never read the letters anyway!
[cut back to kitchen. Billy finishes drinking, pats his stomach, and
belches. He then waddles over to a potted cactus]
BILLY: [to cactus] Oh, hello, pussycat! It's your Uncle Billy. Here!
What you doin in a bucket?
[takes cactus out and sticks it in his
coat like an extra limb] Come on, everybody, let's play Daleks! [runs
in circles miming a Dalek]
Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
Exterminate! [takes cactus out and places it next to
his rear] 'Ere, 'ere, look! What am I now?
What am I now? Come on,
Quick quick quick quick quick! What am I now?
MIKE: A pain in the arse?
BILLY: No, I'm a hairbrush, dobs! Ok, let's try another one! Let's
try another one! [takes cactus and places it on chair. He then puts his
arms over his head]
Here we are. What am I now? What am I now?
RICK: Clinically insane!
BILLY: Nope, 'Little House on the Prarie!' Hee hee hee hee!
BILLY: Sir Billy!
MIKE: [groans] SIR Billy.
VYVYAN: Look, why don't you just go away?
BILLY: Because I got a message for you!
VYVYAN: THEN GIVE IT TO US!
BILLY: Oh, doesn't he get excited! [Vyvyan screams] Right!
Here we are. This is the message, I shall read it to you.
[pulls out a
string of alarm clocks from his pocket] Are we ready, clocks?
Right, here we...Hang on! There's no words on this!
Oh, I think they
must have fallen off somewhere. [Turns paper over]
Oh! No, it's alright! There on the other side. That's okay, right!
[Rick snatches message from Billy's hand]
RICK: Finders keepers, losers weepers. [snort]
MIKE: Rick! [Rick hands Mike the message]
ALEXEI: I've not always been mad, you know. But, um, I was actually
driven mad by the indifference of architectual
and council planning.
You see, I live in a tower block, and um, the
thing about those is there is terrible noise problems because
there's no noise insulation at all, you know,
and eight floors below
there's always some bastard with a Yamaha home organ, you know. You're
just about to go to sleep and you hear this [makes organ noises]
'ROLL OUT THE BARREL' [makes organ noises]. And, like, the people
upstairs, I can't understand what they're doing, you know.
and all I can hear is this weird noise and goes,
'VROOM! VROOM! BLAM-BLAM! VROOM! VROOM! BLAM-BLAM!'
It sounds, right,
it sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round and round,
a seal bangs a kipper on the table.
I went upstairs to complain, and
door was answered by this elephant in a crash helmet! Standing
behind him is this seal going [miming hitting something
'What is it now, Ralph?' I don't know, something
just cracked inside and I starting thinking I was a piece of sponge. I
jsut started to get very depressed...
[Billy leaves. The others look at Mike]
VYVYAN: What does the note say, Mike?
MIKE: 'Dear boys, Don't let Billy near the goldfish bowl. Your friend
and landlord, Jerzei Balowski.'
[Mike crumples up message and tosses it away. Neil
NEIL: There's no one there!
RICK: God, how boring! [yawns. camera zooms into Rick's
VOICE: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE, AND I BRING YOU...
[cut to another open mouth. This mouth is screaming. cut back
to see a small room in hell. A tourured soul is tied to a pole with
Two demons, Futumch and Ordo, are torturing him.]
SOUL: [Futumch removes headphones form Soul's head] Ow!
FUTUMCH: Would Mr. Sorbers like some cake?
SOUL: Oh, yes, please.
FUTUMCH: [points to cake next to soul] There we are, then.
SOUL: Oh! [tries to eat cake but its too far from his mouth]
FUTUMCH: That looks nice, doesn't it?
SOUL: Yes, thank you! [tries again]
FUTUMCH: Is something wrong?
SOUL: Well, I can't reach it.
FUTUMCH: He can't reach it! [laughs] No problem!
[Orgo turns a switch, and the cake hits Soul in the face.
The demons laugh]
FUTUMCH: Oh dear! We spilt it!
ORGO: Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
FUTUMCH: Who's a naughty boy? We'll have to get that cleaned up. 'Ere,
ORGO: Yes, Futmer?
FUTUMCH: FUTUMCH! [hits Soul]
FUTUMCH: 'Ere, pass me that can of Lager. [Orgo does so. Futumch shakes
the can] We'll soon have it all cleaned up! [opens can snd squirts Soul
in the face] Brillo pad!
SOUL: Oh, no! Please, no! Oh, no! Oh! [the demons scrape Soul's
face with the pads]
FUTUMCH: Let's give him some Barry Manilow! [Orgo turns a switch
as Futumch puts the headphones back on. Soul screams in agony]
He really gets off on Barry! Here, Orgo?
[Soul stops screaming and
just stares off in pain] Any news of your promotion?
ORGO: Oh, yeah! I only got another ten sould to collect and I'm
eligable for a nice cushy job. Mind you, it's taken me five milennia to
get this far,
cause no one sends you up to Earth with a name like Orgo.
I mean they don't say 'Orgo' by accidnet!
[Soul screams again]
ORGO: Oh, is it not loud enough for you? [turns up the volume]
FUTUMCH: Well, it's sure a hymn of a chance. I mean, someone might say,
'Shall we go shopping,
ORGO to the cimena!'
FUTUMCH: Or they could say, 'Shall we go shopping,
BLBLBLBLBLBLBL?' But no one every says my name! No one ever says
'Futumch!' Why couldn't I be called 'William?'
ORGO: I don't know.
FUTUMCH: Here! Look at this! [punches Soul in the nose, causing
a nose bleed. Soul screams] What's that?
ORGO: I don't know!
FUTUMCH: 'Bloody Hell!'
[the demons laugh. Cut back to house. Mike, Neil, and Vyvan are on the
sofa watching the TV. Rick is in the hallway looking
RICK: Bloody Hell! There's no room for me on the sofa, as usual! I'll
have to sit on the rickety chair! [thinks] Right!
[Walks over to the TV] Oh, goody goody gumdrops!
Just in time to watch
'Oh Crickey!' on ITV! [changes channel
on TV. The others look at him]
NEIL: Oh, Rick! We were watching 'Bastard Squad!'
RICK: Oh, were you? Well, get up and change it back, I don't mind.
NEIL: [starts to get up, then realizes] Oh! Um, no! I've hurt my back!
[sits back down]
RICK: Oh, what a shame!
[cut to Oh Crickey program. A man and lady are playing
around on the couch. The doorbell rings]
LADY: Oh! That must be the vicar! Go answer the door, darling!
MAN: Why can't you?
LADY: I have my apron on!
[They laugh hysterically]
LADY: I know, I'll go to the kitchin and take it off while you answer
[She exits. Man answers the door. A dog
enters the room]
MAN: No, Bipo! [the man's trousers fall down to his ankles]
Oh, dear. My trousers have fallen down and the dog's in the sitting
Lucky the Vicar didn't see...[pulls his pands up and chases the
dog around the couch.
He finally manages to
catch up to the dog and drops to the floor in an attempt to calm
the dog down.
The vicar and lady enter and stare at the man in
VICAR: [to camera] Oh, crickey!
LADY: [to camera] Oh, crickey!
MAN: [his pants are back around his ankles and the dog
is between his legs] I can explain! [looks at camera] Oh, crickey!
[Vyvyan gets up and switches the channel back. Rick quickly
leaps on the couch]
RICK: Ha ha, fooled you! Thought you'd been really clever, but you fell
right into my trap! Now you can sit on the rickety chair!
VYVYAN: Oh, yeah?
RICK: Oh, yeah! [Vyvyan shoves Rick off the couch and sits back down.
Rick pokes his head up from behind the couch]
I'll just sit back here if it's alright with you lot, then? Not
bothering you at all, am I, Mike?
VYVYAN: This is my favorite program! It would just be typical if it was
[the program stops and a test pattern comes on with voice over.
The boys groan]
VOICE: We interrupt tonight's scheduled program, "The Bastard Squad",
bring you up-to-the-minute coverage of a seige which is now underway in
We join BBC's reporter, Dan Prick, on the spot. Dan.
[cut to outside the boys' house. A swat team in out there, along with a
DAN: A man, believed to be a lunatic foreign terrorist, one of those
greaseball raving reds who seem to crop up everywhere since we
running the world, is now taking refuge in an insanitary slum dwelling
The sort of plase where you normally get squatters
A police and army seige is now underway.
[cut to inside house. Rick stands up and sits on rickety chair]
RICK: Oh, Christ! Boring! Look, now we get a shot of a street for the
next three hours! Nothing ever happens in these things!]
Well, if it
does happen, we don't get to see it!
[Cut to TV picture]
DAN: Yes, it looks as though something is happening now! The police and
army are moving in.
[cut back to house. An arab comes in with a gun]
RICK: Right on! Rue Britannia! Tiny figure at the back
jumps over a fence. Rue Britannia!
RICK: They're dubbing that sound on! That's never real!
[members of the swat team grab the Arab while another
wheels in a missile and launcher.
During this, a live hand grenade
falls in the cooking pot]
NEIL: Isn't that your car, Vyv?
VYVYAN: No, mine's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the sides.
NEIL: But that's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the sides!
VYVYAN: Yeah, but it's not mine, is it? [the men fire
the missle which hits the Arab. The Arab screams as a blast
of light fills the room.
The only thing left remaining of the Arab
is his arms. The swat team leaves as Vyvyan waves the air
away] God, that was a loud one!
RICK: Look, is anybody watching this?
[cut to TV picture]
NEWSCASTER: Well, that's it. We're sorry we couldn't show
you 'The Bastard Squad', but at least we got the mad coon with the gun,
[cut to house. Rick gets up and switches off the TV. He turns around
and looks angrily at the chair, then sits down. silence]
NEIL: Hey, guys! Why don't we eat? Yes, eat! [runs to kitchen
and grabs utensils] I wonder how many lentils I've ever eaten in my
VYVYAN: [thinks] Four!
NEIL: No, More than four, Vyv. Lentils are really good, you know? you
know. No matter how much eat they never get boring!
[the grenade in the pot explodes, sending the food everywhere]
RICK: Neil, that's our tea! You've just blown up our tea!
NEIL: But I didn't do it on purpose, Rick!
RICK: And we paid for that! 15 pence, come on, play up! Now!
NEIL: But, I haven't collected this weeks money yet!
RICK: Well, that's herdly the point, is it?
NEIL: But it was an accident, Rick! [sobs] I just looked at it and it
blew up, Rick! But there's still some on the walls!
Maybe we can save
some of that. Get some portions together for supper, then.
[Neil scrapes some food off the walls with a spoon, then goes
to the kitchen and tries tidying up.
In clearing a place, he
crushes the stick of butter with another plate]
MIKE: Let's do something, we're bored stupid! [walks to
VYVYAN: Ha ha! Rick didn't have far to go, did he?
RICK: I just new you were going to say that!
VYVYAN: That's a complete lie, you poof!
RICK: I knew you were going to say that, too!
[Vyvyan hits Rick over the head with the bottle he was holding. Rick
falls out of the chair]
VYVYAN: You didn't know I was going to do that, did you?
RICK: Alright, Vyvyan, no. I didn't know that!
VYVYAN: Ha ha!
MIKE: We're bored stupid and now we've got nothing to eat! I think the
time has come for us to go down to the pub!
[cut to kitchen plate. The carrot is looking at the crushed stick
BUTTER: [weakly] Darling carrot? Could you ever love a cripple?
CARROT: No, I don't think so!
[cut to Madness performing 'House of Fun' inside of a pub.
The following is clipped in during the boy's walk to the
Kebab and Calculator]
[parody cut of the Beatles' Abbey Road album cover]
NEIL: I'll tell you somewhere else I've never been.
[a robber drags an elderly lady away]
NEIL: So, where are we going?
MIKE: Down to 'Kebabs'!
VYVYAN: Donna Kebab? I've already eaten!
RICK: Oh, shut up!
[they pass a tent with a sign reading 'FREE MONEY
AND SEX' with a hand motioning them to go in.
pass by and don't even notice]
[Madness finishes as the boys enter the pub. They walk
up and chat with the band.]
MIKE: Is there a band on tonight?
MADNESS: No, no!
NEIL: Why not?
[MADNESS give various reasons, the most heard one is Electricity]
NEIL: Heavy! Heavy!
RICK: Do any of you lot know 'Summer Holiday', by Cliff Richard?
SUGGS: You hum it, I'll smash your face in!
RICK: I'll just go sit over there!
VYVYAN: Embarassment! It's an embarassment!
[they sit down at a table and fold their arms]
NEIL: Well, just as I expected! Totally boring!
RICK: Yes, the service is terrible too! WAITER! WAITER! [looks at
bartender] You! Woman! [bartender gives Rick a two-fingered salute.
VYVYAN: Look, it's alright, lads! I stole some money from Rick's
bedroom this morning, so I'll get this. [walks to bar]
Ah, what would you like, Rick?
RICK: Coffee please, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN: This is a pub, they don't do coffee!
RICK: In that case, I don't want anything then, thank you. I don't
think it's really smart or clever to drink actually! I want to stay in
MIKE: Water, Vyvyan. In a stright glass.
VYVYAN: Uh-huh. Uh, Neil?
NEIL: Oh, just a bag of crisps please, Vyv. But, not meat flavored.
Because I don't abuse my body in the world I live in.
VYVYAN: [to bartender] Okay, I want a pint of water in a straight
glass, a bag of roast ox crisps, and mine's a babysham!
BARTENDER: Hello, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN: [realization] Oh! Hello, mum!
VYV'S MUM: Fancy seeing you here! I didn't know you lived in London!
VYVYAN: Yeah! Yeah! [thinks of something to talk about] How's dad?
VYV'S MUM: Oh, honestly, Vyvyan! I do wish you wouldn't ask that! You
know I've absolutely no idea who he is! [prepares
RICK: Well, Vyvyan! You never told us your mother was a bartender!
VYVYAN: Well, she was a shoplifter when I knew her!
NEIL: She doesn't look strong enough.
NEIL: To lift shops!
VYV'S MUM: [brings tray] That will be twenty-eight pound, fifty,
VYVYAN: I only got a fiver!
VYV'S MUM: [snatches fiver and puts it down her shirt] I'll have the
ring and the watch. [grabs ring and watch.
She then takes the
tray to the table]Well, aren't you going to introduce me to your
VYVYAN: Oh, yeah! This is a friend of mine called Mike. This is a
friend of mine called Neil,
VYVYAN: And that's a complete bastard I know called Rick!
RICK: [laughs] He's only joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually
VYV'S MUM: Ooh-ah! He is a bastard, isn't he?
RICK: Tell me, Mrs. Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?
[Vyvyan shoves Rick out of the chair. Vyv's Mum kicks him as she
walks over to Mike and Neil]
VYV'S MUM: Now, then. Why don't you come over here and tell me what
you've been doing for the last ten years?
VYVYAN: Okay, Mum! [grabs his drink and walks over to his mum.
She stares at him angrily]
VYV'S MUM: Not you, zitface! Him! [grabs Mike]\
MIKE: [as Vyv's Mum takes him away]Hey, Vyv! Vyv!
[Vyvyan waves goodbye. Neil manages to open his bag of
crisps. They fly everywhere]
NEIL: I knew I should have stayed at home!
[Cut to outside the boys house. 'Teddy bear's Picnic' is being
played. Goldilocks enters the house.
All the people from the
first scene are back. She walks to the table. There are three
She tastes the first bowl, then spits it back out.
She tastes the second bowl, then spits it back out.
tasted the third bowl...then spits it back out]
GOLDILOCKS: Ugh! Bloody hippie food! [goes up the stairs]
[cut to pub. Rick, Neil, and Vyvyan are at the door.
still talking to Vyv's Mum]
RICK: Are you coming, Mike, or are you still talking to the old bag
about your herpes?
[Vyv's Mum pulls her hands away
MIKE: See ya, Mrs. Vyvyan.
[Cut to outside of the pub. Rick, Vyvyan, and Neil are exiting]\
RICK: Well, it's perfectly simple, Neil. It's becasue you're
NEIL: Well I think pubs are bourgeois!
RICK: Out of the way! [Mike exits] Ready, Mike?
[cut to two policemen standing outside a building]
POLICEMAN #1: Course, you see, I look at life like this. [stares off
into space with his heaad tilted to one side]
POLICEMAN #2: Why's that? Problems?
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah, had a heavy hust-up this morning with my lady.
POLICEMAN #2: WPC?
POLICEMAN #1: No, I can't remember her name. Um, it's got a four in it,
it's got a four 'cause I remember,
it was a round one like that. [makes
drawing in air with his fist]
POLICEMAN #2: Has it got a tail?
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah.
POLICEMAN #2: That's a Q.
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah?
POLICEMAN #2: Yeah, pretty sure.
POLICEMAN #1: I've been going out with her for 'N years!
POLICEMAN #2: How long?
POLICEMAN #1: 'N years. I reckon if I played me cards right I could
have, you know...[quickly jolts hist right knee to one side]
POLICEMAN #2: Kneed her in the groin?
POLICEMAN #1: No, the other one.
POLICEMAN #2: Slept with her.
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah.
POLICEMAN #2: Yeah.
POLICEMAN #1: I reckon I could have slept with her, if it wasn't for
something I said. But we had a row, and I said something about the
POLICEMAN #2: That's a bit stupid! You know she's Catholic.]
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah, I know she's Catholic. I didn't know the Pope was!
POLICEMAN #2: [chuckles] That's a laugh, eh? Ain't it?
POLICEMAN #1: What?
POLICEMAN #2: That sound you make in the back of your throat when you
hear a joke.
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah, that's a laugh.
POLICEMAN #2: I thought so.
[face to front of newspaper. The two policeman are in the front
picture with the caption 'POLICE IQ SHOCKER'.
cut to show
the boys are back at the house. Rick is reading the paper. Mike is
cutting something out of the paper.
Neil is meditating
on the floor. Vyvyan is fiddling with his left hand, which has
RICK: Hey, get this! There are now more tin cans then there are people!
VYVYAN: Neil, do you want to see a great new trick?
[cut to Rick reading the paper. Neil chants a mantra, ignoring
VYVYAN: Uh, Mike? Do you want to see my new trick?
MIKE: No, I'm busy with the paper!
RICK: No, I don't! I've something more important to think about,
VYVYAN: LOOK! WATCH MY TRICK, YOU BASTARDS OR I'LL KILL YOU! [takes
knife and cuts a finger off, a stream of blood
BRILLIANT, EH? [takes a good look at his hand, then weakly
plugs up the hole where the finger used to be] Oh, dear. Wrong finger!
[Vyvyan runs up the stairs in extreme pain. Neil reaches between his
legs and pulls out Vyvyan's finger]
NEIL: Hey, Vyvyan? Vyvyan? I think you cut off one of your fingers!
RICK: Hey, get this! 'Under the new ruling, all a student needs for an
increased grant is a numklpkgulfutumch from the local authority!'
NEIL: What was that?
RICK: a numklpkgulftumch.
Don't you ever read The Guardian, Neil?
NEIL: What's a futumch?
[flash of light and smoke. Futumch appears. He looks around]
FUTUMCH: Now I got three minutes!
RICK: It doesn't seem to make any sense. [Rick suddenly stares] Neil?
Have you just farted?
NEIL: [puts his head near his crotch] No, I don't think so, Rick.
RICK: Well, there's a horrible farty smell in here and it's definately
not from my bottom!
[Futumch points a finger. Rick gets out of the chair just seconds
before a chandlier falls on it]
RICK: I'm going to the drawing room, this is worse than cattle's
[walks to sofa. Futumch throws a knife at Rick. It
misses him just as Rick sits on sofa] Ahh, that's better!
NEIL: Was it you that farted, Mike?
MIKE: Who can tell, Neil? I'm a strange guy!
FUTUMCH: [grabs two live wires] I'll deal with that spotty herbert
later! [walks to Neil, who has gone back to mediatating] Oh, look. A
little girl! Meditate on this!
[Futumch jabs the two wired into Neil's head. Neil is electrovuted
After a while, Futumch stops and takes the wires away from Neil's
NEIL: Hey! I've just had a great idea! Why don't we see a film? Yes.
Film! Hey, Mike? Where's the local paper?
MIKE: At the local paper shop, where do you think it'd be?
NEIL: Right! [Futumch throws a skewer. cut to Neil talking to Rick.
Neil has a skewer stuck in his head] Rick? I'm just going to the local
paper shop, altight?
[Neil walks outside and pulls the skewer out]
NEIL: That's funny, I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head!
[Neil tosses the skewer aside and walks off. Futumch comes out,
FUTUMCH: I don't believe it!
[cut to outside house. A car pulls up. Shot of person's legs getting
out of the car.
Neil walks by and stares back as he continues
walking. But to a black gloved hand ringing the boy's doorbell.
A policeman in dark sunglasses quickly runs up and puts his hand
on the person's shoulder]
POLICEMAN: Ho ho ha ha ha! Gotcha, Mr. Sambo-darky-coon! I
got your number, you're nicked!
MAN: [first shot of man's face. He is anglo-saxon, not african]
Is there something the matter, officer?
POLICEMAN: Oh oh oh, don't we sound proper, Mr. Rasta's
chocolate drop! Now, listen here, son. I should warn you, i've done a
weekends training with the SAS!
I could pull both your arms off and
leave no trace of violence! Lord Scarman need never know!
MAN: Look, what seems to be the trouble, officer?
[rings doorbell again. Policeman grabs his hand]
POLICEMAN: That's white man's electricity you're burning
ringing that doorbell. That's theft! I've got your number, so hold out
MAN: Officer, I represent Kellog's corflakes car competition!
[Man takes off his glove to retrieve a business card. Upon taking
off his glove, the policeman quickly takes off his sunglasses and
grabs the man's hand and stares it.
After a while he looks at man
POLICEMAN: Oh, sorry, John. I thought you was a nigger!
Carry on! [quickly runs away. Futumch appears at the door]
MAN: Hey, kid! You just won a new Ford Tippex!
VOICE: Come in, Futumch, your time is up!
FUTUMCH: I think you got the wrong house!
[Futumch produces a machine gun and blows the man away.
They both disappear. Meanwhile, the policeman has gotten
into the new car]
POLICEMAN: What a piece of luck! [drives away]
[Neil comes back and enters the house. Rick is on the
sofa with the paper over his head.
Vyvyan and Mike are
at the table. Vyvyan is playing with his dismembered finger]
VYVYAN: God, what a boring day.
NEIL: I went to the local paper shop, but they didn't have a local
MIKE: Well, they must not come from this area, Neil.
NEIL: Hey, guys? Tomorrow, right, why don't we, as just a suggesstion,
why don't we try going into college?
[Rick tightens up. Mike and Vyvyan look at Neil, shocked]
MIKE: Now, Neil! Things maybe tough but there's no need to
panic! No, i'm just going to treat this problem like my mattress, and
sleep on it!
[pan to night in the kitchen. Everyone from scene one are back.
Three bears enter the kitchen and look at the bowls]
PAPA BEAR: Whose been gobbing in my lentils?
MAMA & BABY: Yes! Whose been gobbing in our lentils?
PAPA BEAR: Sod it! Let's go to McDonald's!
MAMA & BABY: Yes!
[They leave. cut to shot of outside house. The bears skip
down the road. Neil is sitting on his windowsil. Up above,
a UFO is preparing to land]